Dear Survivor: Online Treatment, Rose Garden, & Poetry Month
Welcome to what it's like to keep living in the body of a trans nonbinary survivor.
Finally, I was able to get bloodwork done for an online eating disorder program. I tried to get bloodwork a few times last year, but I could never get out of bed. Even though it’s a short drive from my house, driving is hard for me and parking is even worse, and I get so much anxiety going to doctor appointments. I’m always afraid I’ll get triggered or something else will go wrong. So, I asked my new partner to drive me and it made the experience 100,000x better. The blood draw was quick and painless for the first time ever and I asserted my autonomy when I declined some extra tests that had been ordered. Afterward, my partner and I stopped for a slice at a little hole in the wall pizza place. It took me right back to that little cafe in Rome.
Equip is a treatment center I found while watching a webinar about the intersection of sexual assault and eating disorders. I did some research, chatted with admissions, and decided to sign up. It’s supposed to all be covered over my insurance and it’s all online, so I won’t have to leave my Hero (aka Mr Bitey). Here are some other resources, like articles and info through Equip.
Every time I have to go through another medical proceedure, I can’t help but feel anger towards the rapists who assaulted me. I feel so frustrated that I’m still struggling so much and there was no consequence for them in spite of my efforts. I don’t know what I can do except to keep being loud about it. Continue healing out loud and being honest about what I’m going through.
I did have one really good weekend this month and I spent it in the mountains with my partner. We did an easy hike, shopped fun vintage stores, went stargazing, and even karaoke happened. It feels like I’ve been in bed for 2 weeks solid and only consuming protein shakes for the past week. I’m so grateful for the times when my body is able to function well and I can enjoy being in nature.
It’s nearly the end of poetry month and I’ve been fill in the blank [sick, depressed, on a weekend getaway, I don’t know], so let me share a poem or two in the next post. My little poetry press, Beyond The Veil, is having a HUGE sale for poetry month!!! About 24 hours left—go go go!
Lastly, join me for tarot-inspired writing prompts in Writing Rituals. It’s free every Wednesday on Zoom. Register here!
Thank you for being here! Thank you for reading. We are still clawing our way through this. Let’s keep going.
Have you had to go through some annoying medical proceedures lately? Tell me about it in the comments or send a message. There is something important about what we experience in this place in recovery.
PS. Don’t worry, it’s almost MARY OLIVER MAY!